True cause of recession revealed - hard rock and heavy metal

ECONOMISTS have been agonising over the slump in retail spending, despairing as to why shop receipts have been tumbling, and rending their hair working out where all the money in the economy has gone.

 

Traditional economic theories have been junked, the bank bail-out didn't really cost that much and we can't blame the Tories for everything (just almost everything).

 

Thankfully the ghosts or Thomas Malthus and Adam Smith have arisen from the crypts, rattling the abacus of doom and the spreadsheets of satan, with the answer.

 

It's all the fault of hard rock and heavy metal.

 

The micro-economy that constitutes rock and metal is sucking vast amounts of cash in, with then result that retail stores are no longer able to keep their doors open and distraught telesales have threatened to strangle themselves with their headsets.

 

Some examples of this economic malaise have surfaced this week. Tickets go on sale for Iron Maiden at the Odyssey in mere hours, then there's Journey, Foreigner (Odyssey, June 12th) and Rush (O2, Dublin May 12th) and the plethora of gigs from The Distortion Project, the Diamond Rock Club and too many others to mention.

 

Credit card transactions have ceased to be the preserve of panicky parents of toddlers and pre-teens; now the credit and debit cards sit poised by the keyboard or the phone awaiting the next gig announcement.

 

Of course, if it were just the tickets the effect on the economy would be vast, but not crippling. But, then there is the monetary substitute sometimes referred to as beer tokens that is sucking cold hard cash out of the system. And this is not to mention the curreconfused merchandise exchange rate causing havoc on the bond and future markets!

To ease fears of meltdown for the global economy there is only on solution: a delegation led by Lemmy, Helfield, Harris and Iommi should be received by the International Monetary Fund, and the European Bank.

Their proposal will be simple: 10% of ticket sales in Ireland (north and south) for the next two years will be used to bail out the global economy. That will have the effect of wiping out the UK, Irish, Spanish and Greek debts. The delegation will have only two pre-conditions. These are: disembowel "that c**t Cowell" (Copyright Jake Burns, SLF) and shoot on sight all Strictly C**ts Dancing.

There - with the global economic crisis solved I can now move into complete panic mode: how in the name of all that is diabolically satanically majestic is an hard working fan of Lucifer's own soundtrack going to afford all these glorious concerts both in terms of money and time?

One could sell a (moderately abused) kidney, but eBay have cracked down on that sort of thing...
Or
Sell sperm to needy women wanting children (should have thought of that before the vasectomy!)
Or
Sell my body (would have to be for medical science as no self-respecting homo sapiens would want it for anything else)
Or
...ahh feck it, there's no hope! Will just have to hope that Lord Hetfield and Lemmy have remembered to rig the Lotto for me tomorrow night!

So: even though I've not been keeping up here's as many upcoming gigs that my beer saddled brain cares to recall at this time of the night:

• Diamond Head
• Exodus
• Decapitated
• Toby Jepson
• WASP
• Airbourne
• Entombed
• Nile
• Dan Reed
• Gun
• Accept
• Rush
• Journey/Foreigner
• Iron Maiden

Ahh feck it - there's no way to keep up! Will have to sober up and sit down and list all the forthcoming gigs from national and international acts, not to mention the hundreds of fantastic local gigging and recording bands!